Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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