dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
There's even glitter on my cock...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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