was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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