dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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