I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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