think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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