Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
