Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
