my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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