My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
