Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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