my phone needs a breathalizer
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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