Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My hand turned me down
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
