I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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