The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
