She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
