I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
