If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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