I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
