oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
