I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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