I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
