I'm really into asian looking animals
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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