Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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