I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
