I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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