so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
