Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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