so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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