First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
