Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
