last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
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