Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
