Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
