ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
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He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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