Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
