Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
