rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
