The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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