New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
