I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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