dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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