6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
