When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We need to rekindle our bromance
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
