cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
