so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
