Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
