he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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