So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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