FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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