Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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