Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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