We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
