I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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