i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
